Miami

I arrived in Miami this morning to start training. I love it here! The people are amazing, the city is beautiful, and they got me a hotel with a GYM!!!! (yay!!!)

I got to the hotel around 7 tonight, went for a run and am relaxing at the hotel with some Dave Matthews. Today I also realized that it is only going to get easier to get over Mr. Ex. I have to fight the urges to call him and want to see him, and love him and crawl back into his arms. He has changed. He is not the same guy I knew. He probably doesn't miss me... I HAVE to get over him and realizing- each passing day- that I am going to be ok. I am happy, healthy, and have a bright future ahead of me. Slowly, but surely, I am growing into someone who is content and thankful for my life RIGHT now in this very moment. That song "Where are you going?" is playing... I am going somewhere!

Realizing Your True Worth

Today was harder than I thought it would be. I went to a party last night, one that I would normally go to with my ex. It was hard to be there alone- only because I had gotten so used to going to these social events with someone. However, it IS getting easier. I know that I will be able to eventually get over him- especially now that I recognize how he has treated me and how he handles conflict. It would have been unhealthy for me to stay in that relationship. I cannot fathom the silent treatment whenever there is a conflict. And I do not like to hold grudges and keep tally's of wrongs.

I am realizing that my value is not wrapped up in one guy's opinion of me.... My self-worth is in Jesus. I leave for Miami tomorrow.. I am so excited for a fresh start in jobs, in life, in my relationships... I am seeing clearly that God removed me from circumstances that were not healthy and is placing me in something new- I can only trust Him and I will continue to seek Him.

Barnes and Noble til the Night Starts

A Fresh Start
I decided to change things up today. Instead of being a typical early riser, I woke up late. I was surprised to see my mom had left me a bottle of red wine on my dresser with a note. She wanted me to celebrate my new beginnings as I head home to West Palm Beach tomorrow morning. Her note said she loved me and our house is always my home- wherever I am in life. It was nice to have that inspiration to start of the day.

I decided today would be a great day to prepare for my new job opportunity in Miami. I am leaving on Sunday for sales training and want to add a few pieces to my professional wardrobe before I leave. After meeting my dad for lunch, I headed to the mall for a little shopping... then off to Barnes and Noble to relax, blog, read, and get a coffee... I swear I feel like I am retired since I have been unemployed! ;)

Change
Change has been the name of the game lately for me. Never did I think that I would be switching jobs and moving on from my ex like this. Family does heal and I am blessed to have spent the last week here at home.

To Be Genuine
Being home I realized something so important. That in our moments of brokenness and hard circumstances, people who have genuine love really shine through. I talked to a woman for quite some time yesterday about my past relationship. She has been a friend of the family for about 4 years.

She had much wisdom and knowledge for me.

To keep pursuing God and to trust and believe in myself. To keep being intuitive with others and to trust my heart and emotions as well as the counsel of close friends and family. I am young, I will love again. I am lucky to have been in tune with my heart to know I had to move on before it was too late.

She had experienced much pain through an emotionally abusive relationship and she said it had broken her so much that she never thought she would be strong again. She had been isolated from her family and friends. She had been told for over 10 years by her mate that she was the cause of all the heartache in their relationship. She had felt that if she couldn't fix that relationship she was a failure, that there was something wrong with her

"She is similar to me that when she loves, she loves with everything she has."

However, this is many times hard to be this way, to wear our emotions on our sleeve, because it is hard for people like us to have enemies in life. We can always see the good in people and believe everyone can resolve conflicts and grow into healthier relationships as the years go on. She finally realized after years of counseling and 4 children later, that she could never be everything this man wanted her to be. He didn't even know what he wanted anymore- he was just in it to feel power, to bring her down to make himself feel stronger.

Hearing her story really spoke to me. I realized that the tightening feeling I would get in my chest whenever I would embrace a conflict with my ex was a sign. That it was a strong emotional wall within him to never see another person's viewpoint. To never mutually respect another individual who may have different ideas and thoughts than him. I realized that I need to be with someone he will respect my ideas and desires and ambitions the same way I respect his.

Looking Ahead
I know the last 7 months happened for a reason. I have a deeper understanding about myself. I feel strong, independent, beautiful, and excited to see what is over the horizon.

Tonight I am going downtown with my brother and a few friends. Orlando's night scene of bars, pool, darts, and beer is different than the fast paced urban city life of Palm Beach... It is nice for something different.

O'Sheas Pub- Heres to Singleness!

It was another a girls night out for some, it was the last night of single-hood for others, the beginning of change for us all. It was my friend's Bachlorette night and we began at O'Sheas Pub. A round of Irish Car Bombs started the night off...

"So, how are things going for you and your guy?" my friend asked me. "We are doing so great," I said. "Infact, we are stronger in our relationship than ever. We took a week break and realized that we were meant to be together. We truly missed each other." I looked at the bride-to-be. "Here's to finding love."

24 hours later I arrived at the wedding with a long term guy friend who came to my rescue last minute. I was single, confused, and ready to hit the dance floor. What had went wrong? I finally realized what my friends had been telling me for so long was true... I had been sucked into an abusive relationship and the only way out was to end it- badly. I had ended the relationship the night before after 5 hours of pain and agony.

Breakups are hard. Its hard to imagine, but even now I find it hard to not blame myself entirely. I know a breakup involves two people but he told me repeatedly throughout everything that every conflict we had was mostly my fault. I had started to believe him... one of the first signs of an emotionally abusive relationship.

Now that I have made the choice to move on, I feel empowered more than I ever have. I feel like I can finally breathe - a breath of fresh air. I don't have to live in constant regret, in constant sadness. I blamed myself for everything for so long. I finally am realizing that it was an unhealthy relationship. He said he loved me, but it was a conditional love. We are all human, but he could never forgive for the petty things that I messed up on. I always forgave him in my heart although he never apologized. It is hard for me to move on only because I loved him wholeheartedly and gave him my heart. I trusted him and he damaged all trust.

I must refocus on what is truly important in this life. My faith, my family, my friends. I am starting a fresh new phase in life and know that I will love again... but not blindly.