Insight

Finding a balance in life is so important. Balance in life is not something I will find from someone else. It is something every woman has to find within herself. I think every woman can find a balance and an inner security and peace - in order for her to embrace the role she is in everyone's lives.

I also have realized about myself that I am a thinker and really need to talk about my thoughts and release my inner emotions.

Questioning

Things are beginning to get more serious with this guy. I have so many questions however of if we are a match. He is extremely attractive and a deep thinker like myself and he can make me laugh so hard- but I find myself wondering if he is emotionally supportive enough for me. He has said comments that lead me to think that he is hard on himself about a lot of things and being hard on himself could lead him to be hard on me.

For what we judge ourselves on is usually what we judge others on and hold them
to the same standards.

For example the other day we were talking about something and he said "I Hate.... something" and then right away he took it back and said "Hate is such a strong word, I dislike." He seems to perfect his words a lot because he may have been told to by someone else or he feels convicted to. It is so hard-lined though and I feel I need someone who is more accepting genuinely.

And then as far as physical appearance - I can't help think that maybe he is judging me for my looks the same way he judges himself.

I am attracted to him in so many ways, but leave feeling like he doesn't know the real me and "get" me and that I am someone I am not when I am around him. In my past relationship there was such a chemistry that I couldn't help but talk nonstop to him about everything. He was such a good listener. I want to become a better listener and I feel that I do less talking in this relationship - but I need to talk to sort things out in my head- I just don't feel comfortable because I don't fully know his deep underlying opinion of me yet. And that is only something that he can form in his own mind over time. I feel that we should almost step back and take the physical out of things - because it could confuse things for us if we are not in touch with our hearts and not just our physical connection.

Thankful for Her

So, this morning I woke up thinking about how entirely excited I am to go home. To spend time with my grandma, my sister, my mom, dad, and brother. I have so many amazing people in my life that I am grateful for.

My grandmother is a source of strength and energy. She has been through so much in her life, accomplished so much, and still pursues her dreams and unleashes her creativity every day. This past March, my grandfather passed and she has been through so much adjustment after being married for 50 plus years. But she hasn't let it get her down, instead she has become actively involved in her church, her community of friends, and family. Last week she traveled to WN with my uncle to see the Packers game. She is so passionate and young at heart. And she appreciates wine and things of class. One of my favorite memories was going to Melbourne beach last summer and sitting by the waves, drinking a glass of wine with her and talking about life. She is also artisitic. She took up painting a few years ago and her artwork is beautiful! It hangs all over our walls, my uncle's walls, my aunt's walls, and throughout her house in Tampa. Not only is it quality art, but it is an inspiration to me - whenever I see her pictures hanging it reminds me to pursue my dreams and never give up. To keep putting my heart into everything I do. My grandma is a woman of strength, endurance, grace, fun, and someone who LIVES LIFE!

Back to Reality

Sometimes I overanalyze things. After speaking to him last night, he told me, reassured me, that he wants more than ever to be with me. He doesn't want other guys to move in. He wants to pursue me. He said he has told me his faults in past relationships because he wants to be open and honest with me from the beginning. He also said he regrets those things and that he can't take them back. But more than anything he wants to grow deeper in what we have together and he doesn't want to pursue any other girl but me. He also said that in times when we want to see each other or talk to each other and can't - we should turn to God. That is the beauty of long distance - instead of becoming overly consumed in each other - we can also use it as an opportunity to grow spiritually.

I feel that everything will be so much better once we see each other again. It will allow me to see his character by the way he interacts with my family. My past relationship was different in the fact that I already knew the guy so in depth before I brought him home that my familiy's opinion of him, though still important, didn' t have as much weight in my decision. But now- what my family thinks of him is truely important because they are getting to know him along side me.

Long distance is still something so new to me and to him, but we are taking each moment as it comes.

Distance

I never thought I would be the type to be involved in a long distance relationship. Ever since I have started one, there seem to be guys around every corner that I feel drawn to. Perhaps I am just not ready for something like this. Perhaps I can't commit, or the guy I am with is not emotionally committed enough to me. When we talk he talks of other girls he hangs out with and I don't know what is going through his head. I feel that I may be falling for someone I am making up in my head. I don't have enough of a foundation to base my thoughts of him on. I am left confused and emotionally distressed because it is hard to get to know someone I hardly know- but we do connect each night on the phone. There is still an element of doubt in any long distance relationship and especially without knowing him first I don't know how serious he is about this.

Girls already have a natural tendency to worry and being the girl, the one, in someone's life. And he spoke about some of his faults in past relationships - making it harder for me to trust him. At the same time, this allows me to trust him deeper because he is not trying to hide anything. Its just hard because I don't know his character fully yet. Its hard to know what level of commitment he is ready for. Is it the same level as me?

Tribute to CS Lewis

Today I am honoring an amazing author and theologian- CS Lewis, who passed this very day in the year 1963. In my tribute, I have been reading one of his most profound writings, in my opinion, Mere Christianity. According to Lewis, the basis of morality of mankind is something that is affected by three things: our relations with others, our inner beliefs, and our relations with the Power that made us- the depth of connection with something beyond ourselves (God).

I have come to find this to be very true! Everything I hold as ethical and moral is based on my relationships with others, my inner beliefs, and my interaction with the triune God, Jesus Christ- the Creator of the universe. Today I attended a devo based around the writings of Matthew. We discussed Matt 5:14-16 regarding our purpose to be an extension of "light" in the world, or "morality," if you will.

To be a reflector of light we must be in direct contact with the source of light. I loved how one guy put it "When we have been in contact with something or someone good, it can't help but permeate and show to those around us." Our happiness will be radiant once we have experienced a deep connection with God. This is where I believe morality comes into play....

When we experience the light (through getting to know the mind of God) we reflect it in our actions and, in turn, in our interactions with others. CS Lewis was right on! Through our connection with God, light transcends into our inner selves and beliefs and our relationships with others. There really are three variables: 1. man and man 2. man himself 3. man and God.

The ultimate reason behind morality and extending light into society is to bring honor to God. It can be likened to a candle burning. Like a candle's wick, we are not the source of light ourselves but an extension of it and ,as we burn, we diminish- while the light gets brighter.

Once we have this direct contact with the source of light- the SON of God (the third morality variable according to CS Lewis), "we cannot help speaking about what we have heard and seen." (Acts 4:13,20)

Disatisfaction

Like all humanity, I am aways searching for something that will fullfill me. I am searching to find acceptance, to be respected deeply and have my opinions valued, to be involved in something significant, life-changing, and centered. I realized this morning that all those things are right in front of me. Christ wants to have that devoted connection with me. I also realized that I am NOT satisfied right now with where my life is. I want more, I want something deeper. I can't find that in any man - but in God alone.

I am jealous for you with goldy jealousy. For I promised you as a pure bride to one husband, Christ. But I fear that somehow you will be led away from your pure and simple devotion to Christ, just as Eve was deceived by the serpent (II Corinthians 11:2,3 NLT).

He is the one who is jealous for me. I want to give myself to God. I have so many wants and desires, but I must continually bring them to God and rediscern if these are built out of selfish or self-less ambition. By evaluating my opportunities and choices with God, I will gain direction because it deeply matters to Him what I do with my life. My world cannot crash when I put my faith in Him, who is eternal and unchanging.

First Kiss

Do you ever stop to think of those crazy memories of where you have been in your life?

My first kiss was outside, under the stars- on the patio deck at the Marriot Hotel in a gorgeous town in Virginia. I had been traveling with a team of runners on a relay down the east coast, running from Boston, MA to WPB, FL to raise money for charity.

Over the course of the trip I had met a guy from Boston. Each night, while everyone else on the team was sleeping we would both slip out of our rooms and go take a walk and talk about our lives. There was a unexplainable connection even though he was older.

Then one night, we were sitting there, on the pool deck and he leaned in for the most innocent kiss ever. It was my first real kiss. Not counting when I was 5years old in my basement in MN. It was sweet and innocent and perfect. Nothing more nothing less.

After the relay we parted ways forever. He went to join the Military and resided in Boston. I finished college in Palm Beach. It would never have amounted to anything between us as far as a relationship. It was just a moment in my life that should not be forgotten. First Kisses are memorable! Adventurous, Exotic, Romantic- and Innocent.

Peace

I came across this quote this morning... It really connects with me in where I am at right now in my life. I used to plan out my life in order to avoid trouble - but realized that conflict and trouble is what makes us who we are. There is always trouble lurking around the corner - its a matter of our character on how we will handle it. A blogger I started following, Mark Daniels, puts it this way:

Trouble can set you to doing things you never realized that you could do.
Peace is not the absence of trouble. Peace is having Jesus at the center of
your life, fortifying you to face life’s troubles and to share Jesus’ love
with others even in the midst of trouble.

Today I will go through my day with the inner peace I have inside.

http://markdaniels.blogspot.com/2004/04/strange-peace-of-christ.html

Oh Snap!

This word is comin back! I have heard it from 2 people this weekend! One in Florida one in Irag. So crazy how words go through cycles. Oh Snap! Gotta go!

What I want

There are several things I realized this weekend. That the person I end up with will be someone who will have a respect for several different opinions. He will be someone that I can grow with in my faith. He will be someone who is deep. Who understands, who listens, who loves wholeheartedly.

I have such a respect for people who can blend with many groups of people and who are ok with being alone. Someone who cares about others, who has compassion.

When it Rains....

And when it rains on this side of town
It touches everything
Just say it again and mean itWe don't miss a thing
You made yourself a bed at the bottomof the blackest hole (blackest hole)and convinced yourselfthat it's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore

and no (oh) how could you do it
(oh I) I never saw it coming
(no oh) I need an endingSo why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain

And when it rainsYou always find an escape
Just running awayFrom all of the ones who love you
From everythingYou made yourself a bed at the bottom
Of the blackest hole (blackest hole)And you'll sleep till May
You'll say that you don't want to see the sun anymore

and no (oh) how could you do it
(oh I) I never saw it coming
(no oh) I need an ending
So why can't you stayJust long enough to explain

(Explain your side, Take my side)
Take these chances to turn it around
Take these chances we'll make it somehow
And Take these chances and turn it around
Just turn it around.

and no (oh) how could you do it
(oh I) I never saw it comingno (oh) how could you do it
(oh I) I never saw it comingno (oh) how could you do it
(oh I) I never saw it coming and
(no oh) I need an ending
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain
You can take your time, take my time.

Paramore, When it Rains